Hard to Do

Posted on Wed Sep 23rd, 2026 @ 6:02am by Senior Chief Petty Officer Jadizon Enor & Lieutenant JG Katie Kellerman

1,733 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Interim 3: Subspace Drift
Location: Jadizon's hotel room
Timeline: 24 hours after Astral Plane Fight

Katie hadn't recalled sleeping that much in a long time. When she finally woke up, Kally had been arranging to get Jadizon transferred back to the surface. Katie offered to stay with him and escorted him back to their hotel room. She made sure he was comfortable and then found herself famished and quickly ate a meal.

She did some reading, and a lot of thinking, staring out past their balcony at the clear sky beyond. By the time she heard Jadizon stir, she'd weighed her options and come to some conclusions. She walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, putting a hand on his chest. "Jadizon?" she said.

Jadizon stirred beneath her hand, his eyes opening slowly. For a few seconds, he only stared upward before his gaze finally found Katie. Recognition was there, faint but unmistakable. His brow tightened as though he were trying to pull himself the rest of the way awake, and his lips parted.

Nothing came out.

He swallowed and tried again, more deliberately this time. Still nothing. His jaw tightened and his eyes dropped away from hers as one hand came up to touch his throat. There was no pain, no obvious reason he should not be able to speak, and that seemed to frustrate him even more. He looked back at Katie and tried once more to force something past his lips, her name, a word, anything.

Only silence.

Eventually, Jadizon stopped trying. His hand lowered from his throat and settled over hers where it rested against his chest. He held it there for a moment, looking at her with an expression caught somewhere between confusion, fear, and apology before his eyes drifted toward the balcony. Whatever had happened inside his mind was still there, and for now, it had taken his voice with it.

Katie frowned. "Squeeze my hand three times if you can understand me," she said slowly.

Jadizon’s eyes stayed on hers for a moment before his fingers tightened around her hand.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

He held on after the third squeeze, not letting go. His face stayed quiet, but his eyes carried more than he could say, relief that she understood him, frustration that this was apparently the only way he could answer, and something deeper beneath both.

After a few seconds, he gave her hand one more deliberate squeeze, softer this time.

Not an answer. Just reassurance

Katie let out a breath. "Okay, step in the right direction," she said. "I suppose for us, communication has always been a challenge, hm?" she gave him half a smile. "Probably why we're not always on the same page."

Jadizon’s eyes narrowed slightly at that, the familiar look of disagreement crossing his face before he could hide it. Even now, somewhere beneath everything that had happened to him, that part of him was still there.

He squeezed her hand once and raised an eyebrow, giving her a pointed look that said far more clearly than his voice currently could: Really? We’re doing this now?

"Don't look at me like that," she said, although her voice was still gentle. "You know it as well as I do. We haven't been for some time. We see the world differently, and I think, at some point, we started wanting different things." She swallowed hard. "And I know one of the things you want is Kally." She saw him frown and put a hand on his chest. "Jadizon," she tapped his temple, "I got a peek behind the curtain. It wasn't me that thing was impersonating." She gave him a small, sad smile. "I know the feelings you have for me are genuine, but I also know what you feel for her, and I think it's caused more complications than either of us were willing to admit. It's gotten to the point where the only time we're truly in sync is when we're having sex."

Jadizon’s expression hardened almost immediately.

He pulled his hand out from under hers and looked away, jaw clenched tight. The accusation about Kally clearly landed, but so did everything that came after it. His breathing changed, sharper now, and his fingers curled into the blanket.

When she said that the only time they were truly in sync was during sex, his eyes snapped back to hers.

Anger.

Not wild. Not explosive.

But unmistakable.

He tried to speak, forcing the words toward his mouth out of pure frustration, but nothing came. His lips moved once, then again, and the silence only seemed to make him angrier. He struck the mattress once with the side of his fist and turned his face away from her.

For several seconds, he refused to look back.

"Why do you think I pulled you into bed so often?" she said, then squeezed his hand again. "Don't misunderstand, I enjoyed every moment of it, but I initiated it so often because it was when you were the most open, when we were connected." She sighed and shook her head, looking down. "It was my way of ignoring our problems rather than talking about them, because I didn't think you'd want to open up about it." She looked back up at him, and shook her head again. "I'm sorry." She saw his expression and felt bad he couldn't say anything. She looked around the room and saw the padd Kally had left with notes for Jadizon's care. Katie opened up a fresh tab and handed it to him. "Here," she said.

Jadizon took the PADD, but his grip was too tight around it. His knuckles blanched as he stared at the empty screen, jaw working while he fought through whatever was happening behind his eyes. He started typing, stopped, dragged his thumb across the words and erased them. Then did it again.

His breathing had gone shallow by the time he finally let something remain.

You went into my head and decided you understood me.

His nostrils flared. He shifted on the bed, shoulders tightening as if every word she had said was settling somewhere physical.

Maybe you're right. Maybe we haven't been on the same page.

He froze on that sentence. For several seconds, he did not move at all. Then his fingers started again, slower this time.

But I don't know what's mine anymore. My memories. My feelings. Half the things in my head don't even feel like they belong to me.

His hand began to shake. Jadizon immediately clamped his other hand around his wrist, trying to stop it, but that only made the tremor more obvious.

He glanced at Katie. There was anger in his face, but underneath it was hurt, humiliation, and something close to betrayal.

His eyes dropped back to the screen. So maybe you shouldn't decide what I feel until I can.

He stared at the words, chest rising and falling harder now. Then, before handing it back, he added one last line.

And maybe I don't want you in my head anymore....I love you. I know that part is real....... LEAVE ME was in large bold letters

Jadizon placed the PADD into her hand rather than tossing it, but the motion was stiff and deliberate. The second she had it, he pulled away from her touch and shifted to the far side of the bed and sat up and scanned the room for his clothing.

She read each line slower than the last, a few tears leaking out of each of her blue eyes. She knew he was frustrated and she knew she'd just dropped a bomb on him, and she hated herself for the timing, but it had been screaming in her brain since 'the incident'. She swallowed the lump in her throat and put the padd down. "I'm sorry," she said again, quietly. She didn't look at him, she hated seeing him in pain and she knew she was only making it worse, and she felt ashamed for that. "When you're ready...send me a message, and we'll talk more. I'll make sure someone comes to check in on you in the mean time." She stood up, wiped her eyes and walked quickly out of the room.

Jadizon remained still until the door closed behind Katie. The latch sounded louder than it should have, sharp in the sudden quiet. The room felt too bright, too warm, too small. He could hear the faint hum of the climate controls, the rush of his own breathing, the blood pounding in his ears. Katie’s words kept repeating over all of it, broken and out of order.

Kally. Different things. Not on the same page. Sex.

He sat up too fast and the room tilted. His bare feet hit the floor, cold against his skin, and for a moment that was the only thing he could focus on. Cold floor. Rough carpet. Air in his lungs. The taste of metal in his mouth. He dragged both hands over his face and tried to force out a sound, anything, but his throat gave him nothing. The silence felt physical now, like pressure behind his teeth. He took several steps toward the door, stopped, and suddenly could not remember whether he had been trying to follow Katie or get away from her.

Jadizon grabbed the PADD from the bed. The screen flared too bright in his eyes. He opened a message to Katie, stared at the empty field until the letters on the interface seemed to shift, then closed it. His thumb moved through his contacts until another name came into focus.

Commodore Nevin Enor.

His father.

Jadizon stared at the name while his hands trembled.

Dad.

He deleted it.

I need help.

His breathing caught.

Something is wrong with me.

He stopped, eyes squeezing shut as another wave of noise, memory, and sensation crashed together in his head.

I can’t explain it. Please don’t ask me to.

His fingers shook harder against the glass.

I need you.

A long pause.

This is an emergency.

Jadizon pressed send.

The PADD slipped from his hand and landed softly on the carpet. He lowered himself to the floor beside the bed, back pressed against the mattress, knees drawn up, listening to the room hum around him while he waited for his father to answer.

 

RSS Feed